


no darkness lasts forever

by iolanthie



Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Happy, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Romance, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24329209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iolanthie/pseuds/iolanthie
Summary: AU in which James and Charlie stay together.Two boys leave their group and start a life alone together in the zombie apocalypse.  They wrestle with their dark pasts and inner demons, determined to stay together and find a new way to live.
Relationships: Charlie (Walking Dead: Broken Toys)/James (Walking Dead: Suffer the Children)
Kudos: 5





	no darkness lasts forever

**Author's Note:**

> This story uses the same James and Charlie from [We're All We Have](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21741793/chapters/57579481) but it can also be read as a standalone fic. This fic will make references to the backstory from WAWH but you don't need to have read it.
> 
> This is an alternate version of events that could happen instead/in place of the canon compliant final chapter "The Dark."

_ July 2017 _

In the middle of the night, James packed a small bag of supplies while the Whisperers and Charlie slept. A small portion of food, water, medical supplies in case of an injury - he took just enough for himself, not wanting to leave the others shorthanded. Lastly he packed a notebook which he and Charlie had used to draw sketches a long time ago. His picture of Charlie was always in his pocket but he checked to make sure it was there anyway.

His whole body was trembling with fear as he worked.

He'd have to wake up Charlie in a minute to ask him the question that he'd dreaded and feared the most - _will you come with me?_ The thought that his partner might refuse and that he could lose him forever plagued his mind no matter how hard he tried to push it away. He knew his life would change forever after that conversation.

James tried desperately to work up the courage he needed in those few short minutes and he was almost prepared to bite the bullet when Charlie's voice came from behind him and made him jump out of his skin.

"Were you going to leave without telling me?"

James looked up to meet his boyfriend's face, suddenly so afraid that he felt paralyzed. He could instantly tell that the other boy was hurt and confused. He could feel it, followed by a jolt of guilt and an increased sense of urgency.

This was happening. The time had finally come and he couldn't avoid it any longer. And the words started to come, flowing out of him even while his mind felt frozen.

"Charlie... I wouldn't do that to you. I was going to wake you - to ask if you'd come with me," he pleaded, his voice trembling along with his body.

"Where?" Charlie's tone was full of disbelief, as if he couldn't possibly think of anywhere else to go.

"Somewhere. Anywhere. Where we can live away from this violence and death. You and me." James' eyelashes were wet, tears already threatening to spill.

"But... if you refuse to kill... what'll we do if we get attacked?"

The realization that Charlie was as scared as he was sunk in slowly at that moment. Those dark eyes were desperate and frantic, a window to the frightened thoughts that raced through his mind.

"What if someone hurts you while I'm not there? You'll have no one to help you and you won't fight back -"

"I'll fight back, I just won't kill -"

"That's the same thing," Charlie interjected.

"It's not!"

"What if you die out there, Jamie?"

"I won't," he insisted firmly.

"You will, it's just a matter of time! You'll get injured or killed or starve - and you don't even seem to _care_!"

They stared at each other for a long moment. Charlie was shaking now, too. They'd never had an argument like this before, but here it was - the confrontation he'd been dreading. He felt sick to his stomach.

 _Of course Charlie would react this way,_ James thought. _He loves me. But he doesn't understand._

"I'd die if I stayed _here_ , Charlie."

He saw the pain flash through Charlie's eyes. "Don't say that."

"I didn't want to say it. But it's the truth."

"What if I killed for you, to protect you?"

"It'd hurt just as much. I can't be the reason people die anymore."

"But... if I went with you, even if it was two of us, if you refused to let me kill then we'd both die!"

"We wouldn't! You don't... you don't understand," he sniffed, tears starting to spill over and run down his cheeks.

"No. I don't understand. But I know that... whatever changed within you, you're leaving me because of it." Charlie's voice broke as he stopped holding back his tears.

This wasn't how James had hoped it would go. Seeing his partner so upset broke his heart but he didn't know how to convince him or reassure him. The intense emotions and the adrenaline coursing through his body made it difficult to process what was happening so he spoke without thinking, saying what was in his heart and hoping desperately that it would comfort Charlie.

"I don't want to leave you. I don't. I want you to come with me more than anything. I'd do anything to make you see that we can make it together."

"I don't want you to leave," Charlie begged. "Jamie, _please_."

They stared at each other for a long moment with tear-filled eyes.

Suddenly, a grenade exploded in the camp behind them.

The boys fell to the ground, surrounded by a mass of smoke that made it nearly impossible to see. James' ears started ringing from the blast, all other sounds becoming distorted and distant.

 _We're being attacked. I have to run or someone'll kill me._ He reached over to pull on Charlie's clothes next to him, hoping that he could guide his partner.

There was so much smoke that he could barely breathe and he started coughing uncontrollably. The fabric of Charlie's clothes slipped from his grip as someone attacked him and he held the person back by the arms, panicked.

The boy - his last kill - flashed before his eyes.

_I can't kill again. I can't._

In a desperate attempt to escape, he kicked the person between the legs as hard as he could and managed to slip out of their grip. Instead of drawing his weapons he fled, running away from the smoke and the bloodshed as fast as he could. In the distance he saw a familiar silhouette in the smoke, looking directly at him, and he immediately knew that it belonged to one of the Whisperers.

_They saw me spare someone. I have to run._

Another person started trying to grab him from behind and he frantically fought against their grip. He pulled free quickly and bolted in the opposite direction, leaving everything behind except what was in the backpack he was already wearing.

He could hear distorted sounds coming through now - screaming and violence. To his horror he heard footsteps right behind him and realized that the person was still following him. Even though he was running as fast as he could, he could sense that they were closing in on him.

Pushing his legs to move even faster, he weaved through the forest, hoping the person would trip or run into something but they stayed right on his tail.

The screaming faded as he got further away from the conflict and suddenly he heard someone fall to the ground behind him. He chanced a glance behind himself and was shocked to find Charlie standing over the body. He stopped and turned around as fast as he could, skidding and sliding over the dirt and leaves before coming to a complete stop.

"You - you followed me." He took a few steps back towards his boyfriend.

"He was - going to - kill you," Charlie panted. He paused to cough after a few breaths. "I couldn't just - let you die."

They took a minute to catch their breath. James massaged the stitch in his side as he gasped for air. As he got closer, he could see that the body on the ground was still moving slightly - he was breathing. Charlie must have knocked him out as there were no visible knife wounds that he could see.

It had been a long time since he'd seen his partner knock someone out rather than killing them. They'd still been afraid of killing and using weapons at the time. He couldn't help feeling a spark of hope in his chest.

He pulled his mind back to the present.

"Did they see you come after me?"

"I - I don't know." Charlie gave James a bewildered look. It seemed like he hadn't realized the gravity of the situation yet. "I didn't think about it."

"They saw me spare someone. They'd kill me if I went back."

Charlie looked dumbfounded, speechless. They stood there for a long moment, trying to wrap their minds about what had just happened.

_If they saw Charlie going after me they might kill him too._

The sound of screaming and gunshots was coming closer and he saw some of the Whisperers coming into view through the haze of smoke.

"We have to run." He met Charlie's eyes for a second and then they started running again, as fast as they could in their exhausted state. They didn't slow to a walk until there was no sound and no movement at all other than them. Their hearing had almost completely returned by then.

The boys kept walking but their pace kept gradually slowing. They didn't know where to go or what to do. It was hard for James to believe that he'd truly left and there was no going back now. He couldn't even if he wanted to because they'd consider him a traitor, a weakling.

Charlie, however... could still go back if he wanted to. It would be dangerous, as they didn't know if someone had seen him going after James. They wouldn't accept him if they had. Anyone helping a traitor might as well be one of them, in their eyes.

He still felt fear constricting his chest, growing slowly as they walked in silence. From the quick glances he stole of his partner, he could tell that he was upset. The thought of Charlie turning back and leaving him terrified him but he didn't know what to say or how to ask if he planned on staying.

In the end, he asked a simple question instead. "Are you okay?"

Charlie met his eyes and then looked back to the ground, crestfallen. "I'm hurt. Confused. You... you said you'd never leave me. But if I didn't come with you... you would have."

"That's not... what happened," James tried to explain. "I had to leave. I had no choice. The choice of whether to stay with me was... it was yours."

"How can it all be on me - a decision like that? It's not... fair."

"I never wanted to be in this situation but I... the choice had to be on you because I'm too..." James' voice broke and his pace slowed drastically, forcing Charlie to slow down with him.

He came to a stop, hanging his head and covering his face wth his hands. He managed to choke out a single word, so quiet that Charlie could barely hear it.

"... _damaged_."

James started crying, his sobs escalating quickly until they were uncontrollable. He was in so much pain that he felt like screaming. He lowered himself roughly to the ground next to the base of a tree, covered his face with his hands and completely fell to pieces.

The other boy wrapped his arms around him but he barely noticed. He just kept sobbing, completely powerless to stop himself, powerless to do anything but wait for the pain to subside.

\---

Charlie held James for a long time.

They'd comforted each other many times in the past, but this time was different. James didn't respond to anything he said or did. He usually wrapped his arms around him in return but this time he stayed in the same position - curled in on himself and covering his face - the whole time.

More than that - he'd never seen his partner cry so hard in all of their time together, despite all the death they'd seen. It was as if he couldn't move and couldn't think about anything except the pain.

It truly scared him. For James to react like this... whatever was upsetting him was very important to him and it was causing him a great deal of suffering.

While James wept, the armour around Charlie's heart began to soften. Seeing the person he loved in so much pain - more than he'd ever seen before - cracked the armour open ever so slightly and the sound of James' sobbing went straight to his heart. He started to feel his partner's pain almost as if it were his own.

A memory surfaced suddenly, crystal clear as if it had happened yesterday.

James' dad was seeing them off on a school trip. Dozens of kids surrounded them, chatting excitedly, but Charlie watched silently as the man pulled James into a tight hug and kissed his forehead lovingly. The boy's cheeks flushed slightly, but there was so much love in his eyes that Charlie thought he mustn't mind his dad kissing him in public too much.

"Have fun, James. Stick together, okay? Be safe."

"I will, Dad," James mumbled bashfully. "I love you."

"I love you too. Call me if you need me."

The boy promised that he would, smiling brightly - so young, so innocent - and eagerly got in line to board the bus.

Charlie was about to turn to follow him when James' dad pulled him into a hug as well. His initial surprise faded into affection quickly and he tightly hugged the man back.

"I'm glad he found you, Charlie. Take care of him, okay?"

Something about those words touched him deeply, embedding themselves in his heart.

As the man let him go he looked up at him and replied in earnest, "I will, I promise. I'll protect him with my life."

That earned him a soft chuckle. He could tell he hadn't expected an answer like that, but he wanted him to know he was completely serious. "I mean it," he added quickly.

"You're a good kid. I want to hear all about it when you two get back. Go have fun."

Charlie swallowed hard and came back to the present, looking down at his partner's shaking form in his arms.

 _James is in pain,_ he thought. _He... doesn't seem to care if he lives or dies right now. He can't take care of himself when he's in this state. He needs me now more than ever. I need to take care of him._

An uneasy feeling tugged at his gut - intuition, perhaps - and urged Charlie to look up at their surroundings. Surely enough, he saw a group of walkers coming in their direction. They weren't close enough to hear the sobs yet - they'd be shambling much quicker if they could - but he knew they would soon.

 _I need to get him somewhere safe. He's_ _in no condition to walk on his own right now. He probably wouldn't even hear me if I told him walkers were coming._

"Jamie, sweetheart," he whispered into the other boy's ear, just in case he could hear him. "I'm gonna get us to shelter, okay? Just hold on."

He quickly placed one arm behind the boy's back and the other arm under his knees and lifted him off the ground. James instinctually wrapped his arms around Charlie's neck to support himself, pressing his face into his shoulder.

Charlie pressed a tender kiss to his forehead, glanced back at the walkers and then set off for the abandoned building he saw across the field. There was a door on the end that looked like it'd been left open, so he headed straight there.

Walking a few hundred metres while carrying an 18 year old boy was no easy feat, but Charlie pushed himself to get through it, focused solely on James' safety. It started raining softly as he walked so he hurried as they got close to the building. Thankfully, they were able to make it before getting completely soaked.

He pushed the door open with one foot and checked the corners and windows to make sure they were safe before putting James down gently, breathing hand and sweating from the exertion.

The building was part of some kind of recreation centre, it seemed to be a storage area judging by the large boxes and crates. The door handle was broken so Charlie pushed a large crate in front of it to make sure walkers couldn't get inside if they got close. He'd walked fast enough that they hadn't caught the sound of James' sobs, so they probably wouldn't make it this far, but just in case. He look off his sweater and jacket and spread them out on the floor next to James to act as a pillow and a bit of cushioning for them to rest on.

He sat down and gently pulled his boyfriend close to lean against his chest. At least the other boy had stopped hiding his face, but he was still utterly inconsolable.

"Is there anything I can do? Or do you just need to... let it out?"

He didn't expect to get a response but James shook his head slightly as he wept. He took that as an indication of the latter.

"Okay. I'm here, Jamie."

There was no way to tell how much time had passed but it must have been at least an hour before James started to calm down. He still couldn't seem to stop crying, but his mind wasn't consumed by the pain anymore.

"...What is it that's hurting you, sweetheart? I... I want to try to understand." Charlie murmured softly, tentatively. He tried to choose his words carefully, not wanting to upset him further, but he was desperate to help in any way.

After a moment, James found his voice.

"My d-dad... he'd be s-so ashamed. If he knew I - if he knew what I'd become."

James started sobbing even harder again, his chest shaking against his partner's.

"I - I'm almost g-glad he never saw. He would've b-been heartbroken."

Those words were a knife in Charlie's chest. He felt tears welling in his eyes.

"You didn't become anything, Jamie."

Charlie tightened his arms around his partner, raising one hand up to run his fingers gently through his hair.

"I'm a bad person," James sobbed, pressing his face into the tear-soaked fabric of Charlie's shirt.

"Jamie, look at me. Please."

Their eyes met and Charlie wiped some of the tears from his cheeks.

"I know you. I know your heart. And I know that you're good."

The sobs eased slightly while James listened, unable to stop the tears but trying to control his breathing.

Charlie kept their eyes locked as he spoke. "You did your best to protect me. To save my life when I was in danger. To protect our family. They told us we would die if we didn't. When we were kids we - we believed what adults told us."

He paused for a just a moment to squeeze James' hands gently, keeping them wrapped tightly in his own.

"Your dad loved you more than anything. He would have done anything in the world to protect you. I think if he'd been in those situations, if you'd been in danger... he would've done the same thing. And I _know_ he's a good person. He brought you into the world, didn't he? He raised you. He can't be anything but an angel."

Tears were still streaming down James' face, but they felt almost like a different kind of tears now. His breathing had calmed significantly.

"Your dad... he would've hated to see you hurting, more than anything. All he wanted was for you to be happy. He wouldn't want his memory to cause you pain."

James buried his face in his boyfriend's chest, weeping softly. Charlie wrapped his arms around him and rubbed his back patiently. After a few minutes, he lowered himself slowly into a lying position and gently pulled the other boy with him, letting him lie on his chest.

"I wish we'd n-never joined the Whisperers," James sniffed, the words muffled against his chest. "We should've run away the first time they hit us."

Charlie rested his chin on the top of his head. "I... I remember wanting to run away so badly every time it happened. But I was too afraid if we left... that I'd have to watch you starve or get killed. But we didn't choose to join. My parents - they were scared out of their minds. No one knew how to go it alone at the beginning. They joined a group to protect us - so there would be someone to look after us if they died."

"I know. They didn't know how they'd treat us afterwards... what they'd force us to do."

"They tried their best... not knowing how it would turn out. None of us could have known."

The sobs had almost completely stopped and James' expression had turned to one of fear. He raised his head to look into his partner's eyes.

"I'm afraid you'll leave me, Charlie. I'm afraid you didn't want to come with me in the first place."

"Jamie... that's not true," he countered. He took a deep breath and tried to explain.

"If we'd had a chance, I'd have wanted to discuss it with you. I... was worried that if I left... I wouldn't be able to be who you wanted. Who you needed. That you wouldn't be happy with me.

"But I didn't get a chance to think and that was for the best. My mind's all... fucked up. You know that. This way... I went with my heart. In that millisecond where I had to decide whether to go after you or not... this is what my heart chose. Being with you.

"My heart chose you and I choose to follow my heart. My love for you is what matters most. Not those fears. I couldn't give up on you.

"Even if it's hard to leave the life I knew... imagining you out here all alone... I can't bear that. The pain I'd be in... I can't lose you. You can take everything else away from me, but not you. I need you, Jamie."

James gripped Charlie's clothes tightly with both hands. "Stay with me, Charlie, please."

"I will stay," Charlie reassured him. "We'll... figure out what to do, later. We'll start a new life. I have you. And I love you. That's all that matters."

"I love you so much, Charlie."

Charlie pulled him tightly in towards himself, stopping only when he could feel James' rapid heartbeat against his side. The tears had finally ceased.

"We're safe here. Let's take some time to rest, okay? Everything else can wait."

"We'll... we'll talk about it later?"

"Yeah, we will. I'm staying, so we have all the time in the world to talk and figure things out."

James looked into his eyes and saw nothing but sincerity. "Okay. Thank God. I don't know what I'd do without you. You're everything."

Charlie pressed a tender kiss to his hairline, his lips lingering on the faded scar there. "You're everything to me, too. Now, I know you packed some food. I think you should eat."

He reached for James' bag and gently pulled it up to rest on his hip. There wasn't much, but he'd managed to bring some fruit.

"You should have some, too," James insisted. Charlie knew he would. He was always trying to take care of him.

"I will if you will, okay?"

Charlie slowly fed James, even as they were lying pressed against each other. He knew the other boy had trouble eating after times when he'd been extremely upset, as if his stomach wouldn't accept food and his body refused to come down from the fight-or-flight response. So he knew he had to go slowly, and he hoped it would help his body relax further.

James kept his head lowered, resting on his chest as he ate, so close that Charlie could feel him swallow each bite.

Since James insisted, he took some food for himself. After some time had passed, he was relieved to feel the other boy's heart rate slowing down as he relaxed in his embrace.

"Better?"

"Yeah," James sighed. "I think I'm done for now. When you're done, we can save the rest for later."

Charlie put the bag aside and adjusted his head slightly on the jacket he was using as a pillow. He wrapped his arms around him again, a bit looser this time.

James nuzzled the skin over his boyfriend's sternum and then rested his head on his chest again, letting his eyes flutter shut. They lay in a sort of intimate silence for a while as their breathing slowed. The tension left his body gradually and he started to feel safe, warm and loved again. He fell asleep listening to the steady thumping of Charlie's heartbeat, its constant rhythm reassuring him that he wasn't alone and that maybe everything would be okay.


End file.
